For almost two decades, I’ve been… pretty much the typical nice girl with the bright personality. The girl who rarely got mad and was very jolly most of the time. But most of all, the girl who was much more ignorant than she actually thought she was. But a few months before I was about to turn 20, things changed with a rapid pace.
But honestly, I am not blaming anyone but myself, it was just my ignorance that took its toll. I just did not have a clue about how dangerous it could be to leave your heart out in the open. I was so mad and in fact I guess I was even furious at myself, “How could you be so foolish”, I continuously told myself. It wasn’t just that my heart had been crushed; it was actually way more than that. It was like the warmth that was inside of my heart began to escape through the gaps that had been formed because of the shock. More and more warmth quietly released itself from my heart, which as a result made it become colder and colder inside of me. Eventually it was like my heart’s temperature just dropped below such a temperature that it just froze up.
While the pain was establishing itself, the winter had just started. Kind of ironic, isn’t it? Even though that winter’s temperature was fairly high, it was to me the coldest winter I had ever had. Despite there wasn’t even a single snowfall that winter, inside of me the snowflakes kept piling up. I lost track of the amount of times I wailed and cried myself to sleep. It is just that the terrifying feeling of being thrown away like a worn-out toy is extraordinary frightening. Although the summer season is about to begin, it feels like the winter still hasn’t left my body.
I admit that I was probably too ignorant for my age. And that I undeniably needed to learn more about life. Although they say that most negative happenings take valuable lessons with them, if I could I would go back in time, so that I never would have met you. Because let’s face it, getting so many life lessons in one go, is bound to have terrifying consequences.
Before you know it you start changing and turn into something you had always refused to become. Endless fights with your very own self will follow. Until it finally hits you and you realize that life is all about undergoing changes, even if it is against your will. And that if you were to object, you would never ever have that feeling again of being at ease. But honestly life is all about surviving in this cruel world, and those changes that will occur are just ways to build up your own self-defense mechanism.
My perspective on the world changed. Because now, in my eyes; the world is a dark place with sometimes tiny rays of light. I had to learn not to care, but now it’s gotten to such a point that I have to learn again how to care. It is especially frustrating because it feels like there is a huge unfillable void inside of me.
It will be fine…
I will be fine again.
I will laugh as I look back at these ridiculous circumstances.
But until that day comes..
I will bear with it just a little longer.
I Shouldn’t have let my guard down.
I acted without thought.
‘Cause I never thought I’d drown.
These feelings I fought,
They are calmly fading away.
I had been a fool,
So I guess I had to pay.
A worthless tool,
that’s all I was to you.