Lost

Quite some time has passed since my world started collapsing.
I’ve been busy picking up the pieces for quite some time now, but it’s like there’s no end to it.
The amount of pieces it had been into broken is just innumerable.
There have been so many times that I had been convinced that the end was finally near.
But never had I been so wrong.
Not once
Not twice
Not thrice
No, it occurred so many times that I’ve lost count.
 
I feel like a failure that can’t do anything right.
I couldn’t even pass my first year of college.
It’s just that I’ve been so emotionally unstable.
But it’s getting better.
I am just wishing for a second chance, but the more time passes the less confident I become about this.
I just need to find my way again.
Because right now I’m still lost, and maybe just slightly leaning towards the right direction
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End of the chapter

Recently something happened to me, something that really got to me. I’m not going to get into details.. but yes; it was because of a guy. But after 2 months and a half I finally got over it entirely, I was finally able to let go.

The moment he just randomly threw me out I just didn’t know what to do. “What am I supposed to do with these feelings”, I thought. My mind was a serious mess, and I didn’t even know what I was thinking anymore. Sometimes I got sunk so deep into thoughts that I just got a cramped feeling in my chest.

I felt myself changing in a bad way, I thought. I felt moody a lot and just wasn’t able to be attracted to anyone anymore, I waited desperately for the day I’d be able to go back to my old self. And I was afraid, afraid I’d never get over it. Therefore I tried to convince myself (and my friends) that I just needed some more time. There were numerous moments I thought I could finally let it all go, but within a blink of an eye I’d end up falling back again. It was kinda eh.. demotivating haha. I ended up needing more time than I thought I’d need at first.

For a while, I listened to a lot of stupid sad songs. I just couldn’t listen to happy songs, they made me feel cringy. Of course those sad songs made me even sadder, but.. I needed them. I needed to be sad, I needed to let it all out, because cropping up your feelings just doesn’t work. And I can’t even remember how many times I’ve let my tears flow.

I don’t regret anything, because the past just can’t be changed. Neither am I blaming anyone but myself. In the end, I was at fault, for letting my guard down too easily. I don’t hate him, I actually genuinely hope that he is doing well. Also, I still haven’t returned to my old self.. which is because the old me just doesn’t exist anymore. Actually not too long ago, I started accepting the fact that I’ve changed forever. And now I actually don’t see it as a bad thing anymore, honestly I think it is a lot better. Well.. that concludes the end of ”our” chapter.

I am hereby ending this blog post, I hope you enjoyed reading this!!

Remember… Things will always get better!

hhehe!~

PS I’m very grateful to all my great friends for helping me through this, thanks ^-^! ❤  xoxo