Protected: Letter to myself

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Tool (poem)

I Shouldn’t have let my guard down.
I acted without thought.
‘Cause I never thought I’d drown.
These feelings I fought,
They are calmly fading away.
I had been a fool,
So I guess I had to pay.
A worthless tool,
that’s all I was to you.

End of the chapter

Recently something happened to me, something that really got to me. I’m not going to get into details.. but yes; it was because of a guy. But after 2 months and a half I finally got over it entirely, I was finally able to let go.

The moment he just randomly threw me out I just didn’t know what to do. “What am I supposed to do with these feelings”, I thought. My mind was a serious mess, and I didn’t even know what I was thinking anymore. Sometimes I got sunk so deep into thoughts that I just got a cramped feeling in my chest.

I felt myself changing in a bad way, I thought. I felt moody a lot and just wasn’t able to be attracted to anyone anymore, I waited desperately for the day I’d be able to go back to my old self. And I was afraid, afraid I’d never get over it. Therefore I tried to convince myself (and my friends) that I just needed some more time. There were numerous moments I thought I could finally let it all go, but within a blink of an eye I’d end up falling back again. It was kinda eh.. demotivating haha. I ended up needing more time than I thought I’d need at first.

For a while, I listened to a lot of stupid sad songs. I just couldn’t listen to happy songs, they made me feel cringy. Of course those sad songs made me even sadder, but.. I needed them. I needed to be sad, I needed to let it all out, because cropping up your feelings just doesn’t work. And I can’t even remember how many times I’ve let my tears flow.

I don’t regret anything, because the past just can’t be changed. Neither am I blaming anyone but myself. In the end, I was at fault, for letting my guard down too easily. I don’t hate him, I actually genuinely hope that he is doing well. Also, I still haven’t returned to my old self.. which is because the old me just doesn’t exist anymore. Actually not too long ago, I started accepting the fact that I’ve changed forever. And now I actually don’t see it as a bad thing anymore, honestly I think it is a lot better. Well.. that concludes the end of ”our” chapter.

I am hereby ending this blog post, I hope you enjoyed reading this!!

Remember… Things will always get better!


PS I’m very grateful to all my great friends for helping me through this, thanks ^-^! ❤  xoxo